Thursday... I never did get the hang of those...

Thank God no one reads my blog.

I'd be hella embarrassed to think that someone read this (exccept you, Jacob, you're different...).

I mean, damn, am I self-pitying or what?

In case you're keeping score, I'm still hella mopey.
And Daniel still doesn't seem to give a crap if I'm alive right now.

*sigh* I married someone with no social skills at all.
I knew it going in, but it's still hard.

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Pure Blue Funk

I am in the deepest funk I've been in for about 4 years.
I feel like crap.
Total crap.

And the only thing I can do to cheer myself is to think about sex.
Which is great and all, but I find myself thinking about sex with people who aren't Daniel.
I say "people," but I really mean "Dave" who lives half a world away, and had his chance. For a year solid I talked to him every night if I could help it. I spent several hundred dollars on phone calls to him. We had phone sex. REALLY good phone sex. This is coming from someone who finds phone sex a bit lame, as a concept. I made him cookies. We spent the time around Christmas together. I wanted, DESPERATELY, to have sex with him, but he insisted it would only make his going back home that much harder. Which only made me want him more.

I was in love with him. And I think I still am.
I feel like a total jerk for loving him.
Because I think he still (and always) thinks of me as a close friend.
I don't think he ever was (or could be) attracted to me.
I don't know if that is just my poor self-esteem, but a this point, it doesn't matter.
I'M MARRIED!
Why the @$##%@# am I thinking so much about "Dave"?!?!!??!

I hate being capable of concious thought.

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