I am in the deepest funk I've been in for about 4 years.
I feel like crap.
Total crap.
And the only thing I can do to cheer myself is to think about sex.
Which is great and all, but I find myself thinking about sex with people who aren't Daniel.
I say "people," but I really mean "Dave" who lives half a world away, and had his chance. For a year solid I talked to him every night if I could help it. I spent several hundred dollars on phone calls to him. We had phone sex. REALLY good phone sex. This is coming from someone who finds phone sex a bit lame, as a concept. I made him cookies. We spent the time around Christmas together. I wanted, DESPERATELY, to have sex with him, but he insisted it would only make his going back home that much harder. Which only made me want him more.
I was in love with him. And I think I still am.
I feel like a total jerk for loving him.
Because I think he still (and always) thinks of me as a close friend.
I don't think he ever was (or could be) attracted to me.
I don't know if that is just my poor self-esteem, but a this point, it doesn't matter.
I'M MARRIED!
Why the @$##%@# am I thinking so much about "Dave"?!?!!??!
I hate being capable of concious thought.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Pure Blue Funk
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1 comments:
I've had some of the same type of things happen... Just the other night, I found myself having a dream about a friend from livejournal. Basically, we all have needs, and when they aren't met, you start to think of how to have them met.
At the moment, you don't seem happy. It seems that you see a (possibly) foregone opportunity for happiness, and you can't help but wonder if you'd be happier if you were there, instead.
You can't help emotions. What you can help is how you react to them, and how you handle them. I know you well enough to know that you'll do the good thing, but remember to do the good thing for yourself as well. Be happy. Live for you. Do what you have to do.
I think as long as you love as fiercely as I've seen you do, you'll be fine. It's a painful way to be sometimes, but it's still the best.
Much love,
--Jacob
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